Sunday, July 29, 2007
I know what it feels like now, to have no one important in your life who has faith in you.
What do you do when the very people you keep close to your heart tell you you're not cut out to follow your aspirations? Do you keep going forward, bearing thoughts that can weigh you down? Or do you drop your aspirations, your dreams and everything to follow the words of someone who has concerns for you and your path? I mean, they probably know better and don't mean to put you down, right?
I don't know what I want anymore. I'm so tired of being pushed back by people who think they know better, that I don't want to move forward anymore.
And what makes me feel even worse is the fact that there's just no one to run to for faith, hope and encouragement anymore.
What do you do when the very people you keep close to your heart tell you you're not cut out to follow your aspirations? Do you keep going forward, bearing thoughts that can weigh you down? Or do you drop your aspirations, your dreams and everything to follow the words of someone who has concerns for you and your path? I mean, they probably know better and don't mean to put you down, right?
I don't know what I want anymore. I'm so tired of being pushed back by people who think they know better, that I don't want to move forward anymore.
And what makes me feel even worse is the fact that there's just no one to run to for faith, hope and encouragement anymore.
I want to give up.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Things haven't been looking as great, but I'm currently in a position where I can say that things are better. I'm still not over the loss of my phone, but the thought that there will be better things in time to come helps me move on. Better things like a new phone at the end of this term, and the long weekend following the trials that start next week. And the little things like learning a new song on the guitar that's got a part for me to improvise, going to the gym 3 times a week to get endorphins running through you, and getting an effort award for four out of five subjects that you do -- these are the little things that make me feel better.
I've started English tutoring. I have an English tutor, rather. I haven't actually had any classes yet. Not till next Tuesday afternoon. I haven't even started and my new tutor (who goes by the name Peter) has given me a mammoth amount of homework. I've heard of his highly critical ways and strong sarcasm, so that should really be the encouragement I need to get everything done.
Thoughts of the end of school nearing have really been disturbing my mind for the past few days. It's not easy to avoid. Everyone is filling in their references for tutors and there have been alot of universities coming to school to give talks about different courses and etc. I recently received a copy of the UAC 2008 Guide, which is the official guidebook for all major NSW universities, the courses they provide and the requirements to enter. Upon receiving the book, I have learnt that the Visual Communications course at UTS requires a UAI of 81! It's only 90 if you want to have the government pay for your fees, but if you're a full fee paying student, it's 81! So now I have a new target UAI -- 85. It's achievable, in my mind. Eventhough it's 5 off from my last target, it feels more achievable. Let's hope I have the strength of mind to make it happen.
I'll be off now.
I need to read about the origins of the Cold War before going to bed.
Cheers.
PS. What do you think, Sony Ericsson W660i or K810i? I don't like the buttons of the K810i, and I'd much prefer the walkman's design... But the K810's camera is super cool, although that doesn't bother me very much. Hmm!
PPS. I know she probably wouldn't read this (ever), but...
I've started English tutoring. I have an English tutor, rather. I haven't actually had any classes yet. Not till next Tuesday afternoon. I haven't even started and my new tutor (who goes by the name Peter) has given me a mammoth amount of homework. I've heard of his highly critical ways and strong sarcasm, so that should really be the encouragement I need to get everything done.
Thoughts of the end of school nearing have really been disturbing my mind for the past few days. It's not easy to avoid. Everyone is filling in their references for tutors and there have been alot of universities coming to school to give talks about different courses and etc. I recently received a copy of the UAC 2008 Guide, which is the official guidebook for all major NSW universities, the courses they provide and the requirements to enter. Upon receiving the book, I have learnt that the Visual Communications course at UTS requires a UAI of 81! It's only 90 if you want to have the government pay for your fees, but if you're a full fee paying student, it's 81! So now I have a new target UAI -- 85. It's achievable, in my mind. Eventhough it's 5 off from my last target, it feels more achievable. Let's hope I have the strength of mind to make it happen.
I'll be off now.
I need to read about the origins of the Cold War before going to bed.
Cheers.
PS. What do you think, Sony Ericsson W660i or K810i? I don't like the buttons of the K810i, and I'd much prefer the walkman's design... But the K810's camera is super cool, although that doesn't bother me very much. Hmm!
PPS. I know she probably wouldn't read this (ever), but...
HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY TO MELISSA!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Ewan loves Top 10 lists,
and so do I...
Do you?
Love Machine (Girls Aloud Cover) - The Arctic Monkeys
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
Little of Your Time - Maroon 5
Helicopter - Bloc Party
I Wish - Stevie Wonder
Teddy Picker - The Arctic Monkeys
Friday Night - The Darkness
The Joker - Jason Mraz
Rookie Jet - the pillows
Broken Face - The Pixies
---
Been feeling pretty shit lately. Still no sign of my dear mobile phone. What's more, I got a new sim card with the same number, but the phone won't accept it anymore after I tried many times without thinking to change the sim card's password. Now Vodafone won't answer my calls because they don't work on weekends and I'm far too not screwed to go out to the shopping centre. I think I'm far too stressed out, hence all the mistakes I keep making this week.
However, I've found that being moody and unhappy makes me study harder. I spent the whole afternoon and what was left of my morning studying. I completed notes for one Biology topic. It was pretty amazing. I chose sitting infront of my laptop typing notes up over everything else. Well, mainly because the trial exams are in less than 3 weeks time, and I don't want to screw it up.
I want a sign. I want a sign saying everything's going to be all right. I hate feeling like every next move will be something I will regret. I hate feeling shrouded in misfortune, without a sign of hope anywhere in sight. I hate feeling miserable in every step I take. I want a sign. I need a sign. I want thinks to be all right again.
Hence the Top 10 list! Music always gives me an uplifting. These ones, especially :)
I'm missing home so much. I'm not usually like this.
Cheers.
However, I've found that being moody and unhappy makes me study harder. I spent the whole afternoon and what was left of my morning studying. I completed notes for one Biology topic. It was pretty amazing. I chose sitting infront of my laptop typing notes up over everything else. Well, mainly because the trial exams are in less than 3 weeks time, and I don't want to screw it up.
I want a sign. I want a sign saying everything's going to be all right. I hate feeling like every next move will be something I will regret. I hate feeling shrouded in misfortune, without a sign of hope anywhere in sight. I hate feeling miserable in every step I take. I want a sign. I need a sign. I want thinks to be all right again.
Hence the Top 10 list! Music always gives me an uplifting. These ones, especially :)
I'm missing home so much. I'm not usually like this.
Cheers.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Some may say that the number thirteen has an unlucky and rather unfortunate significance. Others may say that it symbolises good luck. Now, I'm not a very superstitious person, but the last 24 hours has been questionable.
We live on the 38th floor, and when we're in a rush, we like to get to the lobby in one go - without anyone else wanting to hop onto our lift. We were all ready to go to the airport and entered the slow lift (we know all the different lifts and their speeds!). I wasn't having the best of evenings at the time, and I was feeling very pessimistic and annoyed at everyone (as every angsty teenager feels). The lift stops on the thirteenth floor, and I thought of the craziest thing. There wasn't anyone there, so we hit the close button and continued to the lobby. Now the craziest thing here is that I actually felt that stopping on the thirteenth floor was a sign. I have stronger beliefs in the idea that the number thirteen is one of luck, rather than the idea that it was unlucky. My mood had a bit of an uplifting from then on.
Twenty minutes later and a good distance away from the apartment, my maid calls me to tell me that I had left a key in my drawer - the key to my safe box in the boarding house. It didn't really matter, anyway. It was just a key, and Mrs Wilson would have master keys.
I'm back in Sydney now, and still in the process of unpacking my bags and tidying everything up. This afternoon, I learnt that my mobile phone was missing. It was no where to be found. I checked all my pockets and bags, rang it a couple of times to listen for the vibrating sounds -- nothing. I suspected that I dropped it while in the taxi on the way to school. I put it in my hoodie's pocket, which isn't the deepest pocket around. The fact that mum and I discussed future mobile phones a few days ago, and that I had been trying to talk myself out of being too materialistic - it scares me. I'm now using my sister's old phone, while everything gets sorted out. I'd be using my backup phone if I hadn't lost my key to the safe. All my numbers are lost now, and valuable photographs and videos. Even though I'm not particularly popular through the phone, I still feel so naked without it.
So I don't know if this number thirteen had anything to do with this unfortunate streak of events. I like to believe that it's all a bunch of nonsense, but I can't help but wonder.
I blew my lamp's bulb and I only had two hours of sleep last night and I've got a whole lot of catching up to do tonight. I just don't know any more.
Cheers.
We live on the 38th floor, and when we're in a rush, we like to get to the lobby in one go - without anyone else wanting to hop onto our lift. We were all ready to go to the airport and entered the slow lift (we know all the different lifts and their speeds!). I wasn't having the best of evenings at the time, and I was feeling very pessimistic and annoyed at everyone (as every angsty teenager feels). The lift stops on the thirteenth floor, and I thought of the craziest thing. There wasn't anyone there, so we hit the close button and continued to the lobby. Now the craziest thing here is that I actually felt that stopping on the thirteenth floor was a sign. I have stronger beliefs in the idea that the number thirteen is one of luck, rather than the idea that it was unlucky. My mood had a bit of an uplifting from then on.
Twenty minutes later and a good distance away from the apartment, my maid calls me to tell me that I had left a key in my drawer - the key to my safe box in the boarding house. It didn't really matter, anyway. It was just a key, and Mrs Wilson would have master keys.
I'm back in Sydney now, and still in the process of unpacking my bags and tidying everything up. This afternoon, I learnt that my mobile phone was missing. It was no where to be found. I checked all my pockets and bags, rang it a couple of times to listen for the vibrating sounds -- nothing. I suspected that I dropped it while in the taxi on the way to school. I put it in my hoodie's pocket, which isn't the deepest pocket around. The fact that mum and I discussed future mobile phones a few days ago, and that I had been trying to talk myself out of being too materialistic - it scares me. I'm now using my sister's old phone, while everything gets sorted out. I'd be using my backup phone if I hadn't lost my key to the safe. All my numbers are lost now, and valuable photographs and videos. Even though I'm not particularly popular through the phone, I still feel so naked without it.
So I don't know if this number thirteen had anything to do with this unfortunate streak of events. I like to believe that it's all a bunch of nonsense, but I can't help but wonder.
I blew my lamp's bulb and I only had two hours of sleep last night and I've got a whole lot of catching up to do tonight. I just don't know any more.
Cheers.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Today is not a good day to be flying. If I only had the time to take a picture of what I see from my bedroom window - one nasty storm, soon to arrive.
I'd have to say that I'm not pleased with the effort I put into studying during these holidays. Not as much as I had hoped to achieve, and I'm disappointed. But the fact that I will have 3 weeks to go till the trials keeps me sane, and that's all that matters. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on all the study I should have done.
I'm not ready to go back yet. My suitcase says it all. I've carried so many books over to KL, that now it's all about carrying them back with a very limited weight allowance. And one would think that the Malaysians are alot lenient in giving leeway -- wrong.
I have a strong feeling that my bags will be overweight and I will be forced to carry some of my books on the plane.
Did I ever mention that I hate flying?
I do anyway.
See you 6000+ miles later.
I'd have to say that I'm not pleased with the effort I put into studying during these holidays. Not as much as I had hoped to achieve, and I'm disappointed. But the fact that I will have 3 weeks to go till the trials keeps me sane, and that's all that matters. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on all the study I should have done.
I'm not ready to go back yet. My suitcase says it all. I've carried so many books over to KL, that now it's all about carrying them back with a very limited weight allowance. And one would think that the Malaysians are alot lenient in giving leeway -- wrong.
I have a strong feeling that my bags will be overweight and I will be forced to carry some of my books on the plane.
Did I ever mention that I hate flying?
I do anyway.
See you 6000+ miles later.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I've come to a conclusion. In a previous post, I recall talking about my mum thinking my father's absence from a big chunk of my life had affected my confidence to ask for and ability to deserve things. I'm a considerate person. I really am. I put others before myself, and sometimes I go to terribly far lengths. I'm forever thinking about other people before myself, and forever wondering if what I do is enough to please them. I suppose it's like my weakness. I can be too much of a pushover, and most of the time I don't feel the need to do something about it. When it comes to family, I rarely ask for things I want unless it's my birthday or Christmas - why? I care about my family, financially. I get so worried about how much they spend on these little things like a new guitar or a new mobile phone, and this worry turns into a feeling of guilt. As if, I feel bad for asking. Take my grandparents for example. They are forever asking me if I want anything. If I rang up now and asked for a new phone, my grandmum would take me out tomorrow and we'd both go mobile phone hunting. I would be back, blogging about my new phone to you, and telling you how nice my grandmum was.
No, I'm not like that. Everytime they ask me if I want anything, I tell them nothing. I'm being considerate. Perhaps considerate isn't even the right word. Perhaps it's more of my nature of being a pushover. I guess this weakness has it's good points and bad.
Oh, Christ.
You can actually see me in the reflection.
*facepalm*
I purposely picked silver over white,
to match my future Macbook Pro.
No, I'm not like that. Everytime they ask me if I want anything, I tell them nothing. I'm being considerate. Perhaps considerate isn't even the right word. Perhaps it's more of my nature of being a pushover. I guess this weakness has it's good points and bad.
---
Oh, Christ.
You can actually see me in the reflection.
*facepalm*
Mum and I got up early to head up to Low Yat Plaza for graphic tablet hunting. I'd done my research on Wacom tablets and I kept my eyes on their Graphire series. Mum insisted that we got a bigger drawing area, rather than a small 5x4. So we ended up with this, the Wacom Graphire4 6x8. It's such good fun to use! It'll take some time to get used to. I'm hoping to improve my drawing skills with this sleek baby.
I purposely picked silver over white,
to match my future Macbook Pro.
My Biology tutoring is finally over. All done. I feel so relieved. On the other hand, looking at my wall of homework/study plan, I still have a ton of things to do!
Miami Ink is on now! :D
Cheers!
- English -- Wuthering Heights essay, Frontline essay, Area of Study essay, related texts collecting.
- Biology -- type out notes for all topics.
- Japanese -- do homework sheets, write speech for HSC prep.
- Mod History -- complete homework pack, write practice essay on WW1 source analysis, Jinnah essay, India essay, Cold War revision, notes.
Miami Ink is on now! :D
Cheers!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Had our last big Rae's get-together last night for the next six months to come. Mum and Inday cooked up a storm of a BBQ on our balcony for just over a dozen people. It was great. Alot of catching up, eating, playing games and singing. I had the usual crew over, and it was great seeing everyone together again. We had such a blast (literally), that our neighbours who live below our unit made an actual appearance at our doorstep, telling us how angry she was with the "thumping noises" coming from our unit.
Su and me!
I was attempting to pull off the James Bond pout,
Daniel Craig style...
I failed. CLEARLY.
Su and me!
I was attempting to pull off the James Bond pout,
Daniel Craig style...
I failed. CLEARLY.
These holidays sure have gone by real quick. It feels as if I just arrived home yesterday. I can't help but wonder what on Earth I spent all that time on to make it feel like nothing. Time is such a strange measure. Whenever we want to move forward, time slows down and our forever hungry curiosity overtakes it. But whenever we want to stay in the moment, time speeds up ahead of us. It's strange, and frightening. If we continue to not notice how fast time flies, we would be ten years into the future right now. I used to tell myself not to think about time, during my days in Sydney at school. It was only to let time take over without notice. It looks like we will forever be in some kind of complicated relationship with time.
Shaza and Ray singing.
Ray likes to think that the microphone affects
his score, not the fact that he's tone deaf.
I like thinking about the future, along with the many other people out there. I like to wonder what my everyday life would be like after school. I like to imagine myself driving to college/uni, and planning dinner for that night. I like to imagine myself working in a big company, slowly making my way up the ladder. Everything seems so distant, yet I like to think that my future will turn out as planned. But we all know that it never does, and that's what makes it so frightening - the future, that is. It's so dark, yet we like to imagine that there's light there, creating a clear picture of what we believe to be as our lives laid down for us. I like to see myself in a big company, earning a good salary and doing great things - but what frightens me the most is seeing myself reach that point in my life and thinking of what went wrong.
Maybe it's best that we don't ponder on the future all the time. Maybe it's best we let time take lead and we'll just follow it. Is it all right to have what we imagine to be our perfect lives in the future, and follow that path? Or would it be better to let things happen, and seize the day when the right opportunity comes? Here's where the pessimist in me comes out.
My little cousin Ji-Han and me.
Myspace-style!
... so unattractive.
Have a think about it. Would you rather follow a path, going from planned dot to dot; or just let everything come as they are, without a plan? Honestly, I would still think about the future. The fact that it's frightening can't stop me. But for me, I'll be the one without the map.
Cheers.
Shaza and Ray singing.
Ray likes to think that the microphone affects
his score, not the fact that he's tone deaf.
I like thinking about the future, along with the many other people out there. I like to wonder what my everyday life would be like after school. I like to imagine myself driving to college/uni, and planning dinner for that night. I like to imagine myself working in a big company, slowly making my way up the ladder. Everything seems so distant, yet I like to think that my future will turn out as planned. But we all know that it never does, and that's what makes it so frightening - the future, that is. It's so dark, yet we like to imagine that there's light there, creating a clear picture of what we believe to be as our lives laid down for us. I like to see myself in a big company, earning a good salary and doing great things - but what frightens me the most is seeing myself reach that point in my life and thinking of what went wrong.
Maybe it's best that we don't ponder on the future all the time. Maybe it's best we let time take lead and we'll just follow it. Is it all right to have what we imagine to be our perfect lives in the future, and follow that path? Or would it be better to let things happen, and seize the day when the right opportunity comes? Here's where the pessimist in me comes out.
My little cousin Ji-Han and me.
Myspace-style!
... so unattractive.
Have a think about it. Would you rather follow a path, going from planned dot to dot; or just let everything come as they are, without a plan? Honestly, I would still think about the future. The fact that it's frightening can't stop me. But for me, I'll be the one without the map.
Cheers.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Spent the time that was set aside for my English essay last night watching Because I Said So. It wasn't great, but a really nice mother/daughter movie. I really only liked it because there's was this cute guitarist in colourful clothes (namely, Gabriel Macht! :3) who was so sweet and- Look, the point is, I spent my time watching movies rather than doing my stupid English essay, which I did this morning. Woke up early for it and even sacrificed tennis for it. It's done, anyway. I spent about 2-3 hours writing it. It's such a half-done job that Ms Knorr might feed it to her cat and tell me she lost it.
We went out to Bijou for dinner last night. I figured mum was lazy to cook, since we're having a BBQ today. She gave Ri and I a big lecture about wanting things. She said that if you want something bad enough, all you have to do is be positive enough to have it right in front of you, and that is exactly what you'll get. I believe otherwise. I have the nature to feel bad about asking for things for my pleasure, and for perfectly good reasons. I could even call it paranoia. You see, I feel bad about asking for things like a new guitar or a laptop because I always have the feeling that my parents will say no. And for this very reason, I never try unless my birthday or Christmas is around the corner and someone asks me for what I want. I also don't ask because I don't like to put any kind of financial pressure on people when it comes to things that aren't necessary, but nice. I argued with mum over this, and her last words to me came out something like this, "Just because your father left doesn't mean you don't deserve anything for yourself!"
Just thinking about it angers me. I don't feel at all affected by my father's departure from the family. I don't. I still see him, I treat him as normal and everything. I can't believe my mother would believe in such a thing as a cause for my nature. It's not something I can explain to someone and make them believe me, because it's me. And sometimes, one just cannot prove their true nature to another person in words.
I've got Biology tutoring now :( I'm so tired.
Cheers.
---
We went out to Bijou for dinner last night. I figured mum was lazy to cook, since we're having a BBQ today. She gave Ri and I a big lecture about wanting things. She said that if you want something bad enough, all you have to do is be positive enough to have it right in front of you, and that is exactly what you'll get. I believe otherwise. I have the nature to feel bad about asking for things for my pleasure, and for perfectly good reasons. I could even call it paranoia. You see, I feel bad about asking for things like a new guitar or a laptop because I always have the feeling that my parents will say no. And for this very reason, I never try unless my birthday or Christmas is around the corner and someone asks me for what I want. I also don't ask because I don't like to put any kind of financial pressure on people when it comes to things that aren't necessary, but nice. I argued with mum over this, and her last words to me came out something like this, "Just because your father left doesn't mean you don't deserve anything for yourself!"
Just thinking about it angers me. I don't feel at all affected by my father's departure from the family. I don't. I still see him, I treat him as normal and everything. I can't believe my mother would believe in such a thing as a cause for my nature. It's not something I can explain to someone and make them believe me, because it's me. And sometimes, one just cannot prove their true nature to another person in words.
I've got Biology tutoring now :( I'm so tired.
Cheers.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I'm baaaaaaack!
And with a new layout!
It's still in the works, so bare with
the naked-feeling (if any, of course) of Raeville.
---
Going back for another haircut (I had one a few days ago, by the way) later today, seeing that it's already midnight. I told the hairdresser that I was trying to grow it out a bit, and he cut my hair all funny. So much for trying to change my hairstyle.
I recently started Biology tutoring. I realised, with all the tuition I have this week, I've already done approximately 6.5 hours of working, including extra study time. It'll be almost 10 hours by the end of the week. Mum reckons I should have Biology tutoring everyday for the week, miss out on fun time for now and when I return to Sydney, do it there. I don't know if I should appreciate her allowing me to watch Harry Potter in the final weeks coming up to the trials, but I'll just keep that thought aside for now.
Started reading The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger, but I haven't got any time to read. I still have Capote to finish as well. I keep telling myself to finish books then buy new ones, but I never listen. Clearly.
I better start getting ready for bed now. I plan to wake up early to do some Maths. What a wonderful thought, wouldn't you agree?
Cheers.
PS. I watched Happy Feet for the THIRD time... Look, I just really like the music, okay? And it is soooo much more meaningful than random penguins dancing around and what.
I recently started Biology tutoring. I realised, with all the tuition I have this week, I've already done approximately 6.5 hours of working, including extra study time. It'll be almost 10 hours by the end of the week. Mum reckons I should have Biology tutoring everyday for the week, miss out on fun time for now and when I return to Sydney, do it there. I don't know if I should appreciate her allowing me to watch Harry Potter in the final weeks coming up to the trials, but I'll just keep that thought aside for now.
Started reading The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger, but I haven't got any time to read. I still have Capote to finish as well. I keep telling myself to finish books then buy new ones, but I never listen. Clearly.
I better start getting ready for bed now. I plan to wake up early to do some Maths. What a wonderful thought, wouldn't you agree?
Cheers.
PS. I watched Happy Feet for the THIRD time... Look, I just really like the music, okay? And it is soooo much more meaningful than random penguins dancing around and what.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Been heaps busy lately, and haven't had the time to properly sit down to blog.
I've been going out pretty much every day, so here's my sad excuse
to make a new graphic with my now-working PSP :)
I'm also planning a new layout for Raeville. I'm getting bored with the blue.
I'll be right back!
PS. Transformers was like fan-freakin'-tastic! So totally orgasmic.
Do yourself a favour and get tickets, NOW.
I've been going out pretty much every day, so here's my sad excuse
to make a new graphic with my now-working PSP :)
I'm also planning a new layout for Raeville. I'm getting bored with the blue.
I'll be right back!
PS. Transformers was like fan-freakin'-tastic! So totally orgasmic.
Do yourself a favour and get tickets, NOW.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
It has been twelve days since I got back home and this is what I have achieved in that period of time:
While I was watching TV today, I noticed there was a fax that had arrived. I thought it must be for mum, because she always gets the faxes. I had previously been hoping that Ms Knorr would send me back my essay with feedback, and all the times a fax had come in, it was for mum. This time, it wasn't. It came as such a surprise - my English teacher does care about me after all! Attached to my marked essay was feedback. Turned out I didn't do as bad as I had thought. I just missed out a huge chunk of discussion that I should have included. I now have another essay to write in by the 13th. That should get me into the work mode again!
I've been getting alot of shit about life after school from mum and my relatives. Don't get me wrong, I really like what Billy Blue has to offer, but I'm starting to have doubts. Mum told me that it was going to be very difficult to make a place in the advertising industry. I understand, it's highly competitive. But what workplace isn't? I'm worried that I'm not cut out for graphic design anymore. Mum doesn't like the fact that the course is very artsy-fartsy and requires alot of drawing and creating. But I keep thinking that it's just starting point! I mean, every one's got to start from scratch, right?
My relatives suggested I look elsewhere, like interstate in Australia or maybe even the US or Britain. The reason I didn't look any further was because I'd heard that my dad didn't want Riana and me to be in two different states. Besides, we've already got an apartment over there and that's accommodation being taken cared for. I know the roads better than KL, even. I'd just hate to start over in a totally new environment, that's all.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling so troubled and confused. I really liked those times when I was definite about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do there. Now, I'm clouded with uncertainty.
I'm so tired of my younger sister being so hostile to my mum. Ever since my sister has been back, she's been so horrible to mum, telling her to shut up and some times hinting to her that she's worthless. And the thing is, mum doesn't do anything about it! She doesn't even stand up for herself! I hate the disrespect she shows to mum. It doesn't just happen in home either. It happens in public too, and it's embarrassing - for me, and most especially my mum. Regardless of who you are, how old you think you are, your parents are two people you must respect. It's not a matter of who made you angry or who didn't let you do what you want, but our parents are the ones who know best and all they want to do is protect us -- am I right?
The worst thing about all of this, is that I can't do a thing about it. Or at least, I don't think I can. The last time I told my sister to do the right thing, she snapped at me and then rebounded all her anger off on my poor mum. I spent my whole supper time in the boarding house trying to calm my mother down. It was so serious that Mrs Wilson had to do something about it. I decided after that day that I wasn't going to be involved in my younger sister's actions, because she'll just have to learn by herself and through her own actions. She never listens to me anyway. She's always wishing I could hug her and other stupid things that don't mean anything - what's the point anyway when she never listens to me?
I've got to get ready for dinner tonight. Going to the Laundry Bar at The Curve. To be honest, I don't want to go. I'm feeling frustrated at my sister and the last thing I need is to be sitting around friends who I don't feel as comfortable around with. But I guess I do need to get out. Socialise. I better hurry before someone comes in and gives me a good shouting.
Cheers.
- Caught up with cousins and family.
- Met with Cassey and some of the crew.
- Downloaded 150+ songs.
- Wrote one English essay and faxed it to Ms Knorr.
- Completed Prison Break season 2
- Completed Heroes season 1.
- Completed Ugly Betty season 1.
- Completed Lost season 3.
While I was watching TV today, I noticed there was a fax that had arrived. I thought it must be for mum, because she always gets the faxes. I had previously been hoping that Ms Knorr would send me back my essay with feedback, and all the times a fax had come in, it was for mum. This time, it wasn't. It came as such a surprise - my English teacher does care about me after all! Attached to my marked essay was feedback. Turned out I didn't do as bad as I had thought. I just missed out a huge chunk of discussion that I should have included. I now have another essay to write in by the 13th. That should get me into the work mode again!
I've been getting alot of shit about life after school from mum and my relatives. Don't get me wrong, I really like what Billy Blue has to offer, but I'm starting to have doubts. Mum told me that it was going to be very difficult to make a place in the advertising industry. I understand, it's highly competitive. But what workplace isn't? I'm worried that I'm not cut out for graphic design anymore. Mum doesn't like the fact that the course is very artsy-fartsy and requires alot of drawing and creating. But I keep thinking that it's just starting point! I mean, every one's got to start from scratch, right?
My relatives suggested I look elsewhere, like interstate in Australia or maybe even the US or Britain. The reason I didn't look any further was because I'd heard that my dad didn't want Riana and me to be in two different states. Besides, we've already got an apartment over there and that's accommodation being taken cared for. I know the roads better than KL, even. I'd just hate to start over in a totally new environment, that's all.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling so troubled and confused. I really liked those times when I was definite about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do there. Now, I'm clouded with uncertainty.
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I'm so tired of my younger sister being so hostile to my mum. Ever since my sister has been back, she's been so horrible to mum, telling her to shut up and some times hinting to her that she's worthless. And the thing is, mum doesn't do anything about it! She doesn't even stand up for herself! I hate the disrespect she shows to mum. It doesn't just happen in home either. It happens in public too, and it's embarrassing - for me, and most especially my mum. Regardless of who you are, how old you think you are, your parents are two people you must respect. It's not a matter of who made you angry or who didn't let you do what you want, but our parents are the ones who know best and all they want to do is protect us -- am I right?
The worst thing about all of this, is that I can't do a thing about it. Or at least, I don't think I can. The last time I told my sister to do the right thing, she snapped at me and then rebounded all her anger off on my poor mum. I spent my whole supper time in the boarding house trying to calm my mother down. It was so serious that Mrs Wilson had to do something about it. I decided after that day that I wasn't going to be involved in my younger sister's actions, because she'll just have to learn by herself and through her own actions. She never listens to me anyway. She's always wishing I could hug her and other stupid things that don't mean anything - what's the point anyway when she never listens to me?
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I've got to get ready for dinner tonight. Going to the Laundry Bar at The Curve. To be honest, I don't want to go. I'm feeling frustrated at my sister and the last thing I need is to be sitting around friends who I don't feel as comfortable around with. But I guess I do need to get out. Socialise. I better hurry before someone comes in and gives me a good shouting.
Cheers.
